Should you ever tell a lie?

 I'm sorry for the very long absence of post here. I was very ill and couldn't write any posts. 

That is a complete lie. I have been fit as a fiddle and just too lazy to write any. I have no excuses except pure laziness. But I thought I might experiment with a lie, and then that did of course get my overactive brain thinking about the whole business of lying. 

I used to teach primary school children (I may have mentioned this before ☺) and we sometimes used to do a bit of philosophy/thinking practice on various subjects. One of the questions - and one of my favourites - was: "Is it ever right to lie?" (or "Is it always wrong to lie?"). Nine-year-olds have lots of examples of lying and of how it affects people. 

The best answer I heard to "When is it Ok to lie?" was from little Sara (not her real name) who said, without a blink, "when you don't want to get into trouble". I think liars of every age group (or people who would not consider themselves liars but who are, at the present moment, telling a lie) would fully identify with Sara's reaction. Her clear response could refer to answers to questions such as:

• (from your boss) "Is it ready for launch now?"
• Did you put the wash on?
• Have you been messaging your ex again?
• Not one drink? not one?
• Do you have a plan for after the invasion?
• Do you really love me?

Not getting into trouble has many benefits. You can fix the factual inaccuracy before anyone finds out (but much easier with the wash than with the invasion), or you can just kick any reckoning down the road (for ever, in some cases).

'Not getting into trouble' might also slightly hide behind it the other fact of not getting into trouble with yourself because you have done something that does not fit into your own narrative about yourself. If you believe you are a hard worker, an attentive partner and lover, a fit ruler of your country, the lie could help to shore up your own inaccurate version of yourself. Self-knowledge is not crying out to you like a beacon of truth. 

There are of course other reasons when you would lie and could still rightly consider yourself to be a good and morally upright member of the human race. If your aged present-giving relative asks if you liked the present they bought you, it would be kinder to say yes than to be honest. You might get more of the thing that you don't like, but so what? The balance of feelings and kindness gives you a clear steer. And if you deny that there are fugitives in your house when the invaders come knocking, isn't that the only correct way to respond? Heroic even? If you are working undercover to break a 'modern slavery' network, do you have to give your real name and rank? Morality clearly says no in these cases.

There are other ways to consider the matter of lying however. I have just finished the book 'Dopamine Nation', by Anna Lembke. It is about addiction of all types and although I would not fully recommend it as a read, there are interesting takes on how to break addictions. And lying comes into it, because she recommends 'radical honesty' as part of the cure. This borrows from the tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous, as she clearly states. The idea is that any kind of lying, even about things where you could legitimately lie, has a corrosive effect on your own psyche and on your ability to control your own actions (which matters a lot if you are hooked on Oxycontin). Her recommendation for those with addictive personalities is to be completely honest with everyone, in every way, because it allows you to be honest with yourself. 

In a related way, I did hear someone talking about the way that being completely open and honest in a relationship had a good effect on them. She said that when she stopped trying to second-guess how her partner would react to something she said, it was very liberating to just be able to be honest and wait for their response, if any. You could also much more easily say what you didn't want to do without thinking that your partner would be upset. The disadvantage of 'curating the truth' and second-guessing how someone will respond could be that you put so much effort into it that you have less enjoyment and satisfaction in the rest of life. Another reason for radical honesty?

I have not yet decided what I think of 'radical honesty' and I can't ever see myself using it after Christmas presents have been handed out, but I can see the positives. Maybe for now I will satisfy myself by promising to only lie to other people (when it is really really needed) and never under any circumstances lie to myself.

I would love to hear your views. No lie.