The language of self-improvement

 

This post is about my personal reaction to some of the language that I hear used about the idea of 'self-improvement'. I'd like to stress that this is not at all intended to question the usefulness of any forms of therapy, counselling and feedback that people can see have a beneficial effect on their lives (or on the lives of the people they love). It is much more related the way that people describe the process and maybe particularly to my sensitivity to the words that are used. I confess that it could even be another transatlantic misunderstanding, where the sum of what people put into words on one side of the pond is not the same as what people extract from them on the other side. 

And I would fully admit that the place that I have been most exposed to this kind of language is that acme of all things good and worthy, social media. Facebook and Reddit and even X or whatever it is called now, are probably the largest source of the examples that jar with me. But I have heard some of them in person too. 

Now I suppose the first word to slightly grate on my auditory system is the noun phrase 'Self-improvement' itself. Perhaps it is used more in library and bookshop labels, or Amazon categories, but I have also read people describing their attempts at self-improvement. It is, however, a concept difficult to pin down. By what measure are you 'improving' yourself? Are you attempting to be someone that others will admire or accept more? Are you only attempting to be a better person to your own standards? Will you try to be nicer to other people? Would your self-improvement look like someone else's? I can think of plenty of ways that I would like other individuals to improve, but do they give a stuff about my opinion? And how would they see 'improvement' in me?

Even physical 'self-improvement' is questionable. If you lose weight and gain a 'six-pack and guns' is that an improvement? Or is it following social pressure in a way that may not improve other parts of your psyche? And if you think you are improving your ability to do things, to achieve targets and goals, are you sure you have thought enough about what those goals should be? 

I often read about people's efforts to 'work through' issues in their lives or in their emotional make-up. I can sort of accept this usage if it means 'come to terms with' or 'understand why it makes them feel this way'. That seems useful and perhaps even wise. Know thyself. But by what method are they 'working through' it? Is it by talking to a therapist, a counsellor, a friend or by writing it out for random strangers on the Internet, or even by writing a blog about it? Or is it simply by thinking, or writing it down and looking at what they have written? In nearly all cases, the 'working through' is to answer the question 'why do I feel unhappy about this?' or 'why do I keep doing this thing that makes me unhappy?' I suppose it is natural that nobody would put much effort into working through why they are happy or fulfilled. Maybe they should though. 

The other set of language that rather jars with me is the way in which people describe what they are not going to do in the future or sometimes rather what they are going to make sure someone else does in the future. The words used are often 'boundaries', 'expectations', 'requirements' or 'non-negotiables'. These are in principle quite good ideas, as anyone with experience of abusive relationships will know, and it is certainly risky to to just dangle in the wind of other people's wishes without understanding your own. But the reality is that if two people in any kind of relationship dynamic (whether family, partner, friend or employer) each have their own boundaries, those are unlikely to be absolute. Life is based on compromises between people with different characters and different ideas about what matters. We negotiate our relationships, sometimes with talking and sometimes in silence, through the way that we behave. 

Maybe my biggest objection to all of this - and I admit this a bit rich coming from someone who will talk the night away if given the chance - is that the language of self-improvement is too much about the language, which is not the forte of every human, and is definitely not the strength of many, fully human and humane though they be.

You cannot necessarily put everything into words, and perhaps when you do the words change what you feel. The mask of our words can become the face of our selves. The language of self-improvement can sometimes make us deaf to the language of our own hearts, and if you believe we can verbalise everything, I'm afraid I think you are wrong, and that life is not the worse for that.