Oomph, and how to detect the lack of it

 

I have had a weekend with less oomph than normal, and have spent a little while before I worked out that my oomph has been depleted by the mix of about ten different drugs that I am currently on. 

I wrote earlier here about the 'new car' syndrome, where you have that strange feeling when an illness or heavy medication affects you, that your body doesn't quite work in the same way as the old model. I have had other people with recent diagnoses report that it describes well what they are feeling. 

And the problem is that when you are trying to listen to your own body's motor running, you can be confused by lots of white noise. Did I have a couple too many beers last night or a couple too many espressos this morning? Am I feeling sludgy because it is a grey day and my body is missing summer? Should I just go out and run around, ride a bike, go to an exercise class?

But sometimes you rule out all the other things and conclude 'No, there is something different going on here'. I've just about got to the point where I notice a few changes that are almost certainly down to the treatment. This is not bad, as I am three-quarters through the initial course, and nothing is very problematic yet. But it is irritating to have to do the work to notice that yes something has changed or slipped. 

I did notice that my handwriting has become less legible and that even if I am writing faster because I am in a hurry, it is probably also the case that slight nerve trembles are playing their part too. I also feel more like I am going to drop things, even though I haven't dropped anything yet. But there is just enough extra tremor to make you aware of it. 

I noticed also that in the first week or two it was slightly harder to remember names. I knew who I wanted to talk about, but the name wouldn't come out easily, and still doesn't. This is probably a touch of what they refer to as 'chemo brain'. My online chemo buddy has had this in spades, but I have only had a couple of low number cards. I did have an afternoon looking at four separate letters to different institutions and having to go back several times to sort them out in my head.   I think it is to do with the organizing part of your consciousness, so that even if you know what you intend to do, it is harder to do everything in the right order. It is not a nice feeling, but they say it will be temporary and I am happy with that. But I also know that I'm lucky in being able to not work, and some people have to take their 'chemo brain' back into the office or the classroom.

The chemo drugs also have an effect on your eyes. I hadn't realised this and just blamed old age on my increased floaters, but apparently it is a well-known side-effect to some of my drugs that they just push you an extra year into poorer eyesight, more blurry, harder to focus. The good news is that the effects stop when the drugs stop. And the idea of getting my old self back is very appealing!

But I now have less than two months till  they do the transplant so I am on the downward slope and from what I am told, the effects of the transplant will be much more pronounced and sometimes unpleasant. But it is a short sharp shock then, and in some ways I think I will prefer that to the 'are you, aren't you?' quizzing that I currently do. If the effects were more pronounced I wouldn't spend so much time trying to work out if they were really there. But they are, and the more I learn about this new car, the better I will be able to drive it.