Death Cooties
For those of a more Brit persuasion, "cooties" is, I believe, the normal US slang term for head lice. The direct equivalent of 'nits' from my childhood, with all the crawly, itchy and sociological context that the word brings.
It also indicates something that you don't want to sit next to, and that's where the "death cooties" comes in. Although most people can manage to hold it together, some people have such a visceral reaction to the presence of death or even it's likelihood that it is a bit like having cooties; they don't want to be anywhere near you because it upsets them so much.
That's OK, I know, and sometimes you just won't realise they feel this way because they have simply dropped off the radar. But I'm interested in the psychology of people who can't bear to be anywhere near death, even if it is clearly not their own yet.
I suppose they could have had such a traumatic experience related to a loved one's death that they just can't bear to be reminded of it. I have friends with shocking tales of the way they were told about a death (one ten-year-old was not told that his mother might die until after she had done, even though everyone else knew). You might have come from a background where death was a taboo subject, or from one where it was hugely but maybe upsettingly acknowledged.
From talking to other people who have lost the love of their lives, I think the worst effect of death cooties is when a widow or widower is 'unpersoned' by the death, so that people stop inviting them, remembering them, considering them, just treating them like a normal person.
I have to say that this hasn't happened at all to me, and all my friends and family have been unremittingly lovely, but I have met plenty of widows/widowers who report it. And I have to say, it seems to happen more to women than men. There is the double whammy of socially conservative friends who can only accept the possibility of couples round the dining table. Consider the effect of that on a woman grieving. Bit insensitive eh?
So even though everyone does get the right to their own emotional reaction, sometimes it is right to forget your own squeamishness and lean in to get a good old dose of those death Cooties.
I used to read with primry school
ReplyDeleteCertainly felt deat cooties, ever since my partner died 8 years ago! Thanks for mentioneng it ! It brought a little smile in my face! This is what made my late mum get up in the morning, getting rid of her neuropathetic cooties ( little beasts, as she called them ! )
ReplyDeleteThe even table thing is very old—I remember a few dinners in my youth wherein the hostess spent a fair amount of time trying to find single men to even out the table. No longer as big a deal, thankfully, and as a now single woman myself, just as glad—tho most of my dinner parties these days are musical ones that don’t require even pairs nor turning tables.
ReplyDeleteYes, time was, the single, divorced, and/or bereaved woman was considered (in some quarters) a dangerous extra and a bit of an embarrassment....and often quietly dropped...
ReplyDeleteStrangely, the reverse is usually true for single, divorced, and/or recently bereaved men.
I wonder why?
Yes, it's true. My own mother lost her husband when she was 46 and he was 41. She lost almost all of her friends who were in couples. Only one couple remained her friend. It was extremely hard for her.This was in 1971. I was hoping this had changed in 2024!
ReplyDeleteIt just seems so cruel doesn't it, that when someone really needs support, people end up taking some of that support away.
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